The following post is also available on my Medium blog page. To read more, click here.
“An artist is only as good as one’s last work.”
That’s the old saying meant to push creators to continuously showcase the best of themselves to the world to avoid being let in the background or being labeled as a “one-hit wonder.”
I believe it, much to my annoyance.
Why, you ask? Simple. As a neurodivergent writer of color, my main fear is not being heard in the literary world or told that I am not good enough to be a writer despite being dedicated to the craft since 2018. My faith-based family, my grandfather and some of my relatives in particular, doesn’t think that being a writer has a lasting career and said that I should find a real job. It’s little to no wonder that almost all of my side projects never go beyond the ones meant for either my own eyes only or meant for a special audience. I’m always planning and plotting the next best thing in the literary world, but hated to showcase a story that might gain negative attention from my own flesh and blood.
As I mentioned beforehand, I mainly played it safe with my stories, publishing my superhero-themed teen-fiction series through Amazon KDP. But I also wanted to create a novel that’s adult-oriented and touched on topics that are mainly taboo in my family. With the plans of writing my first-ever murder-mystery novel this year, I was worried that it would only cause creative problems as well as cause doubts in my head of making me feel insignificant and that it wouldn’t be the right time to write it. But then I realized that if I didn’t write the novel, it wouldn’t be made into reality at all. So when Camp NaNoWriMo of April arrived, I made sure to write what would be the biggest challenge of my life as an indie author. Despite a few setbacks and delays regarding my schedule, I was able finish the novel in less than 30 days. And now, I’m facing the challenge of editing and revising it before its launch over the holiday season.
Part of me is thrilled to get this benchmark of a novel published since it’s my first adult-oriented novel ever. But the other part says that I’m playing a dangerous game as a Christian since the story features mental health, murder, language, and sexuality that’s contradictory to what I’ve been taught in church for most of my life. A lot of questions haunt in my mind even now as I write this blog: “Is this novel going to break a lot of ties in my family once they see what I’ve written?” “Am I going to be disowned by my grandpa for writing this?” “Will I lose a lot of favor with the people from my church?” “Am I going to have to hide yet another story if I decide not to publish this?” “Am I even a great writer if I continue to hide my stories from my relatives” “Am I meant to write only family-friendly stories that are suitable for Wattpad?”
But there’s a question that I never want to answer out loud: Am I fooling myself with being a writer when no one wants to read anymore?
It’s 2024, and I’m still thinking about these questions and others while I vow to let myself be heard in my stories. While I continue to showcase the best of myself daily, I continue to dodge the insecurities that keep me from my true potential because I am my own worst enemy. Every day that I wake up and head to my computer to create something is one audition after another in hopes of someone being willing to hear what I have to say. Because let’s face it, folks, streaming TV shows can be too tedious with rewatching things that are too familiar. That’s why authors like myself have to create new tales for the last of the faithful book-lovers who want something more than what’s found on Netflix or YouTube. Then again, maybe watching movies or YouTube clips can help us find the next best novel in the world. Who can say?
For now, I have this audition wrapped up as I get ready for another. Hey, call me ambitious for being a creator because I don’t want this blog post to be my last work. Let’s go.
Jarrick D. Exum: Author & Artist 